Overcome Fear Of Intimacy!
Yes, you really can overcome your fear of intimacy. Thousands of men and women have done this already using modern techniques such as Time Line Therapy & EFT, and so can you.
There's no need to explore everything that ever happened to you in your childhood in therapy that seems to go on for ever!
If you want to check out the quickest and most effective route to a fulfilling, happy relationship, with the enjoyable and rewarding intimacy and love that's your birthright as a human being , click on the link below and see how "Change That's Right Now!" can help you.
With all good wishes,
Rod M. Phillips
Just to prove that truth really is stranger than fiction, when I typed intimacy and thrush into Google, I came up with you question on Yahoo answers where a woman with thrush is asking for help from the community.
Bizarrely she had thrush, complete with discharge, and was still enjoying sex with her boyfriend, the point of the question being: “Oh my god I’m so embarrassed he must have noticed the discharge on his cock, and although we were only together for two months, and still so embarrassed. What can I do to get over the embarrassment?”
Well my answer might be a bit cynical, but I would suggest don’t have sex when you’ve got cottage cheese coming out of your vagina.
Even more bizarrely, one of the answers, which you might cynically suggest was just another woman being very supportive feminine problem says something like: ” I’m sure he didn’t even notice, and if you did perhaps he thought it was semen or natural vaginal discharge”.
It’s hard to imagine people being so naive about sex and intimacy, although it does put into context and explanation why Chlamydia is so common, and affects so many people.
Even in this day and age, where sexual information is freely available on the Internet and in many other places, it would appear that there are people around who are incapable of protecting themselves from the consequences of their own actions, and indeed others who are incapable of protecting themselves from the consequences of others’ actions.
As far as I’m concerned, the moral of this story is, don’t have sex if you have a vaginal yeast infection, get an effective treatment and wait until it’s clear.
There are a couple of more rational answers, the first of which pointing out that if they were having sex in such a situation they didn’t really know enough about sex to be qualified to engage in it, in other words the to condom was absolutely essential and they should’ve been using it.
The second answer in this vein is one that suggested if they were comfortable enough in open enough to talk about such issues, then they shouldn’t have been having sex anyway.
The Tao of Badass is a revolutionary program for men, written by a guy called Joshua Pellicer.
It’s a program which purports to be able to boost men’s confidence through using psychological strategies and techniques to increase their social skills, enabling them to approach women, and allowing them to establish relationships, or, if that’s what they’re looking for, to enable them to seduce women for one night stands as often as they wish.
The obvious question is: “Does it work?”
Well, that’s an interesting question. Over the years, the “pickup artist” community, or so-called “seduction community”, on the Internet, has put forward both many sex and relationship gurus and many online programs for sale.
Neil Strauss has a lot of salient and important things to say about the seduction community, which I could sum up, perhaps, by saying that he describes the activities of the men in this community in a way that makes them sound like a bunch of scared little boys!
And of course, in one sense they really are scared little boys, because any man who was feeling masculine and strong, and who had a great deal of confidence with women, would not be looking to a so-called seduction community, and Internet forums, or an online program, to develop enough confidence to go out with women.
He would simply be doing it.
So I’m not belittling or denying the need for information for men to gain skills in dating and sexual seduction, what I’m saying is there that is a question over whether or not an online community on the Internet is the place where these skills are best acquired.
Having said all that, what’s different about the Tao of Badass is that it has a certain level of authenticity and plausibility about it that some of these programs lack. The Tao Bass is based on strong psychological principles, and whether you think there are manipulative or not is irrelevant — they work.
Human nature being what it is, there are always been people in every generation who have identified the skills and techniques that are necessary to manipulate the behavior of others. A very good example of this would be the skill of con merchants and con artists, who undoubtedly have an unerring ability to spot the “mark”, as the target is known, and then to swoop into “the kill”, using certain strategies and techniques that will be known to anybody who’s fallen prey to a conman!
Obviously supreme confidence is one of the most important techniques are hallmarks of con merchants when they approached the “mark”, and so it is for a man who was attempting to to seduce a woman.
You see, the thing is women like confidence more than any other attribute or quality in Amman. Any man therefore who lacks confidence, approaching women can be difficult or challenging, and any set of skills that he can get that help him to do this will clearly be to his advantage. Using the techniques of psychoneurology, neurolinguistic programming, and hypnosis,
Joshua Pellicer has set out a program which actually gives sound and reliable information to men who want to seduce – and even more importantly, perhaps, simply talk to women.
Whether this is “manipulation” is open to question. What I can tell you is that the reports of men in my therapy group who have practiced these techniques strongly suggest that the techniques can be really helpful in boosting confidence and overcoming that difficult and awkward moment where you can approach a woman and realize that actually you have nothing to say.
Now, having said that, the question is – what sort of woman you going to be able to seduce using a set of techniques and tips drawn from as pre-programmed strategy guide that many other men have bought (and presumably used)?
Well, I think that’s a patronizing viewpoint, because every relationship has to start somewhere, and we all find the person who is ideal for us in terms of our equivalent level of social skill, knowledge and experience.
The Tao Of Badass
One of the things that guys looking for a relationship tend to overlook is that most women are just as insecure and lacking in confidence as they are, and so to shift the focus of attention from the man to the woman may be very helpful in an producing a shift in internal perception and belief about his strength capacity and masculinity in a relationship.
My suggestion to you is that if you’re a man who’s got a fear of intimacy, then overcoming the anxiety associated with approaching women can be really quite challenging — I think that’s another place where a strategy and set program of techniques such as the dao of badas can be really helpful.
It’s not that it’s going to sustain your way through a relationship, but it’s certainly going to make the initial approach to a woman much easier.
After all, we are all social creatures, and we all need interaction with other human beings. Experiencing a fear of intimacy that keeps you apart from people and deprives you of a healthy sex life is a very deeply depressing experience, and so, yes, I have to say that I support programs such as this one.
No wonder that people fear intimacy! I mean when you think about it, being intimate with another person, whether physically intimate or emotionally intimate, is one of the most demanding and challenging things that a human being can do.
Ironically, however, being in a relationship, which by its very nature requires intimacy of this kind, is also one of the most natural thing is that a human being can do.
So how is it then, we have ended up in a situation where so many of us fear intimacy, when it’s such a natural and satisfying state of being?
The problem seems to lie in the fact that our brain is so adaptable, and that we are born with the capacity to learn so much about ourselves and society, rather than depending on pre-established patterns of behavior as many animals do.
Our great capacity for learning from our environment in childhood is probably in a way our downfall; for although we may be programmed to accept intimacy, and even to search it out, and perhaps also dependent on it for our growth, the truth is that good quality intimate relationships are hard to come by.
And nowhere is this more true than in childhood, where most parents are inadequately supported and perhaps inadequate in their own parenting skills.
Whether or not this is the product of our Western way of life, as opposed to a more traditional society in a village environment such as less-developed societies in Africa, say, is not really the point here. For some reason, we have ended up in a situation where our children are brought up in an environment that deprives them of the support of many people, and where, in general, they are dependent on the vagaries of a small number of caregivers — and in the case of single mothers, where the situation is compounded when neither of parent nor child can get away from the intensity of the relationship, be it good or bad.
In such a situation, mistrust and betrayal are all too readily available, in fact they may be said to be the common currency of the relationship.
And it is trust, more than any other single thing, that allows us to engage in into the process of connection with another human being (or to shy away from it, fearful of the harm that may be done to us by somebody to whom we have connected betraying our trust or breaking our intimate connection).
Because, when you think about it, our fear of intimacy is based on the presumption that our intimacy will be lost, or that we will be betrayed in some way. If this were not the case, we would engage in intimate relationships with no fear, no anxiety, and no prospect perhaps of breaking up — at least, if the relationship did break up, it would not be the emotionally devastating event that so many people in our society currently find separation to be.
So in the presumption therefore that all things go back to childhood, and that the trust (or otherwise) that a child can invest in both himself and in those around him in later life, so as to be able to form deep emotionally and physically rewarding relationships, my suggestion would be that if you are having problems you engage in some form of therapy that is going to be helpful to you in overcoming these historical issues. Shadow work is one form of therapy my clients have found to be particularly effective and therapeutic in this respect. So is emotional freedom techniques or EFT. If you wish to find out more about EFT training you can get the information here.
But there is more to fear of intimacy than simply a lack of trust, or betrayal, in childhood. For as many of you will know, forming an intimate relationship, or rather not forming one because of the fear of intimacy, is very often based on high level of anxiety.
When one analyses what that anxiety is about, the sad truth is that more often than not, one finds that it is often actually about the prospect of a sexual relationship. Why, then, would sexual relationships be so threatening to an individual that they avoid intimacy of any kind?
After all, a good relationship that has built gradually, can build up to sex in a way that is nonthreatening. So my assumption is that anybody avoiding a relationship because they have a fear of sex must have a very high level of anxiety about the prospect of engaging physically with another person – anxiety that is so high that they have been traumatized in some way in their own history. To assist in overcoming sexual problems which may play a part in generating a fear of sex, I have produced some videos on various sexual dysfunctions that can be a cause of anxiety - see one on causes of delayed ejaculation and one on treatment of delayed ejaculation here.
Child abuse, in particular sexual abuse, is but one possibility here, and there are many more: anything, I think that leads to an individual losing trust in other people can be a cause of failing to form good quality relationships — or indeed any relationships — as an adult.
What is the cure for this problem?
So what is the kind of therapy best applied to fear of intimacy? Well I think the answer to that is that any therapy with an extremely good therapist who is qualified to deal with deep issues of trust and abandonment, can work well for an individual and help overcome fear of intimacy.
My judgement is that the relationship formed must be meaningful and profound between therapist and client. You see, healing of wounds like those which produce a fear of intimacy — nearly always a breakdown of trust — is done best in a relationship of mutual respect and unconditional positive regard.
The healing really is in the relationship. How else, would somebody who had been damaged and relationship will learn how to trust again unless they were in a relationship where the trust was actually fulfilled? So what I’m saying is that to engage in the process of healing, and you may not necessarily need to bounce into a sexual relationship with another person, but you can certainly benefit providing a relationship with a therapist where you have the ability to engage and experiment with new behavior.
In the course of my work with men I’ve had many occasions to reflect on the causes and effects of premature ejaculation. Basically I am completely convinced that premature ejaculation is caused by psychological issues such as fear of sex, or fear of intimacy with women. Men who are in this situation, either because they suffer from performance anxiety, or because they genuinely have an inherent fear of being intimate with a woman, tend to blame their premature ejaculation physical causes and look for simplistic solutions like a pill which will delay their ejaculation.
I need hardly say that many of the herbal pills sold on the Internet are a complete con; in addition the genuine SSRIs that are available off-label in some countries for use as premature ejaculation “cures” have massive side-effects including nausea, headache, and withdrawal symptoms when the man stops taking them. It’s very clear from this that there is actually only one way to overcome premature ejaculation - and that’s for a man to train his body to respond more slowly to sexual stimulation, so that he doesn’t reach the “point of no return” (point of ejaculatory inevitability”) as quickly, meaning he can also stay below the point at which he will ejaculate for longer. This is the only way in which a man will be able to sustain intercourse for a longer period of time, possibly bringing his partner to orgasm in the process.
Overcoming premature ejaculation is not a difficult process but it does require some dedication and effort. Back in the 1950s, Masters and Johnson claimed 96% success rate for their squeeze technique although later researchers suggested that the true success rate is around 75%. The truth of the matter here is that the success rate for this particular PE cure depends entirely on the dedication of the couple to sustaining the techniques after the initial success has been achieved. Ongoing practice is required once a month or so for as long as the couple are sexually active. In this way a man and his partner can avoid premature ejaculation for as long as they choose to do so. It goes without saying that this in turn will reduce fear of intimacy for those men whose sexual dysfunction is predicated upon a fear of intimacy, a lack of trust, or any other dysfunction of attachment.
Fear of intimacy is a social phobia which produces anxiety about being emotionally and physically close to another individual. It is defined as ‘the inhibited ability of an individual, due to anxiety, to fulfil a significant relationship with another individual’.
This terror can result in failed relationships and social exclusion. Sufferers experience feelings of isolation and loneliness, and an inability to connect with others.
The fear of intimacy has a number of causes. Experience of abuse or neglect tends to predispose a person to being afraid of allowing themselves to become vulnerable to a new relationship. The sufferer can inwardly fear abandonment which will bring about a guarded attitude, which will effectively prevent an intimate relationship.
People who are raised in families with little or no emotional intimacy are often afraid of establishing emotional contact with their spouses. The kind of family in which this occurs is often dysfunctional, with a background of alcoholism or some similar problem. In these families, intimacy is perceived as a threat to the unhealthy yet established behaviour operating within the system.
Fear of intimacy can also evolve from the embarrassment resulting from sexual abuse or early exposure to pornography.
The lack of intimacy will often result in individuals feeling lonely, unwanted, unloved, and emotionally deprived. In some cases, no meaningful relationship can take place, which can lead to emotional health problems such as depression and anxiety.
Sufferers are often self-centered or have low self-esteem or perhaps feelings of guilt. If left untreated, fear of intimacy can destroy any meaningful connections and lead to total isolation and loneliness.
The fear of intimacy is totally curable. Here are some of the methods you can use to solve the problem.
Always be genuine in your relationships. Always acknowledge your feelings and express them truthfully. If you feel angry or betrayed, or even annoyed, express your feelings openly. For example, you can use an expression like “I feel annoyed because I was expecting to see you there.” If you feel pleased or elated, express that too. You can say something like “I was delighted that you decided to come after all. I feel good when you are around.”
Instead of allowing fear of intimacy to ake charge of your life, step out and reveal your feelings. You may feel vulnerable or afraid at first but those fears will pass.
Learn to communicate about day to day affairs: you can learn intimacy by sharing your personal and everyday experiences. Also learn to discuss your experience of being betrayed in the past, and listen and sympathise with your partner’s experiences. If you do not have total mutual self-disclosure, then your relationship is unbalanced. One partner has opened up, while the other has hidden everything away.
Don’t play games, such as expecting your partner to read your mind or dropping hints instead of saying outright what you really mean. Talk about what’s going on in your life and how you feel and think. This way you build trust in your relationship, which helps you get over the problem. Don’t forget that, the longer your anxiety about intimacy continues, the worse it gets and the more difficult it is to conquer. So it is up to you to face up to the fear of intimacy and go out and get yourself a richer, more fulfilling life.
Fear of intimacy is what’s known as a social phobia, a fear of being around people, but it’s a particular form of it: a person with fear of intimacy feels anxiety about having an intimate personal relationship, or fears a close relationship with another person.
So fear of intimacy is basically fear of being emotionally close to another person, with the fear of being physically close often mixed in as well. (Scientifically, for what it’s worth, it’s defined as ”the inhibited ability of a man or woman, because of anxiety, to reciprocate feelings of personal significance with another man or woman who is highly appreciated or valued”.)
Fear of intimacy is often caused by past traumas, including sexual, emotional or physical abuse. As a result, fear of intimacy is also often associated with a fear of being touched.
Men and women with the fear of intimacy are – obviously – anxious or afraid of intimate relationships. They may believe, either consciously or unconsciously, that they do not deserve love or emotional support from other people. The three defining features of this type of fear or phobia (a word which just means a very intense fear) are:
- a lowered willingness to communicate personal information,
- uncertainty about feelings when personal information is exchanged,
- a sense of vulnerability around the person with whom intimacy might be possible.
Emotionally confident and secure individuals feel themselves to be lovable and worthy, and feel more or less comfortable with intimacy - and indeed with being alone, too. By contrast, men and women with a fear of intimacy lack some of the sense of self-worth which would allow them to seek out connection with others; they may, however, see other people very positively and want their love and acceptance. They somehow can’t accept it, though. And a man or woman who is fearful around people may lack a sense of their own ”lovability”; as a result they might tend to avoid others because they fear rejection. Trust is, unsurrisingly, a big issue for people who fear intimacy.
If you have a fear of intimacy, you may well also have little confidence about the dependability of other people and a high level of fear about abandonment. It’s also common for fear of intimacy to be accompanied by a sense of discomfort with closeness.
Fear of Intimacy And Relationships
One study found that women with depression have much more obvious fear of intimacy, and interestingly, that the intensity of a woman’s fear of intimacy is a reliable indicator of the longevity of a couple’s relationship: in other words, the more intense a woman’s fear of intimacy, the shorter, on average, a couple’s relationship. This is probably the best reason of all to deal with your fear of intimacy (and there’s no reason to think that men are any different in this respect).
Another study showed that peple who fear intimacy generally think there is less intimacy in their dating relationships than their partner – it’s almost as if they can’t face the idea of being intimate. Sadly, well-meaning but fearful parents can have a massive impact on our confidence as adults: people who, as children, are taught not to trust strangers always almost always have a greater fear of intimacy and report feeling more lonely in adulthood than people who were not taught to distrust strangers when they were young.
Child abuse is a major factor in the development of fear of intimacy – and that’s true for all kinds of abuse during childhood. When people who were abused as children grow up, they tend to be anxious about allowing others to see them as they really are, and have a lot of fear about being revictimized if they trust others (which is, of course, what happened when they were growing up). As a result, intimacy can feel very frightening, because to feel close to another person reminds a woman or man that trusting someone may lead to ”being taken advantage of”.
You may have a fear of intimacy because deep down you fear abandonment, rejection, or betrayal, all of which are fears that come from our emotional “wounds” in early childhood. (A childhood “wound” is a term that simply means the feelings and thoughts you have about yourself that come from being abandoned, rejected, or betrayed by your mom and dad, or other carers: such things cause all of us to feel unworthy and unlovable.)
As a child, you wouldn’t have seen yourself as really separate from your family: that’s not how children think. As a child, you just don’t know that you have worth as an individual in your own right. Instead, you think that your parents’ behavior towards you reflects your worth. When that behavior is not always positive, you pick up messages about yourself that become the reality of who you think you are. And a big part of this is how much you think you’re worthy of love. And another, of course, is your belief about much people want to love you.
Since knowing you are lovable is a big part of being comfortable with intimacy, it’s not hard to see why fear of intimacy is such a big problem for so many people. Intimacy is about allowing someone else to see you as you are, about sharing who you are with another person. And sharing yourself in this way can be a problem if you deeply feel you are somehow unworthy, or defective, or unlovable because of your childhood emotional trauma.
What happens in adulthood is that you find a way of being in the world which is designed to protect you from being abandoned, rejected, or betrayed once again because of what you see as your unworthy, shameful being. Of course, to some degree we all grow up with negative messages. And because society doesn’t really provide us with ways to heal, or healthy role models who can teach us how to overcome our fears and beliefs about ourselves, our emotional wounding in early childhood makes us feel that something is wrong with who we are (this is called toxic shame).
Most families reinforce the wounds by teaching children in ways both spoken and unspoken to “keep up appearances”, or not to let others see you as you really are. So it’s not hard to see where a fear of intimacy can come from! And of course, as long as you continue to react, albeit unconsciously, to the emotional wounds of your childhood, and the conclusions you drew about yourself from the behavior of those around you, you’ll keep on repeating the same old behavior patterns as an adult. You’ll keep getting involved with people who turn out to be unavailable (after all, what better way to protect yourself from the fear of intimacy than to hook up with someone who isn’t ever going to be emotionally available to you?). You’ll keep setting yourself up to be abandoned, rejected or betrayed (after all, that’s what you’ve been taught, or learned, that life will always give you).
And you’ll carry on looking for love in all the wrong places, and searching it out in all the wrong faces. In view of this, is it any surprise that so many people have a fear of intimacy?